Exclusive: Binary options brands to be granted special NFA licenses*

A full and comprehensive set of new rulings will remove the Hell that many binary options providers have put their clients through, or send them to Hell, Michigan

The dark shadow cast over the OTC derivatives industry by the nefarious binary options sharks that inhabit the offshore waters of less than reputable jurisdictions under the pretense that they offer financial derivatives to a retail audience has plagued the genuine electronic trading participants in reputable financial centers is about to come to a welcome and abrupt end.

Whether operating from Belize, the Seychelles or the Dominican Republic, these weighted platforms and their respective market makers have been quite wrongly associated with the genuine OTC electronic trading industry, and throughout last year became the bugbear of police forces, national governments and mainstream media alike, as public opinion finally mounts against their dubious activities.

CySec cannot manage to tame the beast and is even allowing the use of the word ‘exchange‘ by a firm that does not even use a prime brokerage, let alone operate a central counterparty, and the word Swiss along with Switzerland’s national flag in the nomenclature of a firm which has as much in common with Switzerland as Halloumi, and is as close to its self-description as a Swiss Financial Markets provider as the kebab van on the side of the road between Larnaca and Limassol is to Steak Tartare Genevois.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, as the National Futures Association (NFA) in the United States, a regulatory body so opposed to retail binary options as a concept that it outlawed it in its entirety from the United States in any form whatsoever is preparing to issue licenses to all binary options brands and their owners, who, having attended a basic handwriting class, will be asked to sign a document giving them a license, with the regulatory capital of $1, payable in tokens made from the gold-painted aluminum that is usually reserved for manufacturing the medallions that form part of their attire.

The NFA’s view is that containing these firms in one region under its watch would be an effective method of vigilance, hence New York or Chicago will not be welcoming them.

Instead, a special division of the national regulator will be established in Smackover, Arkansas, with the capitalization and client asset holding division overseeing withdrawal and profit procedures in Tightwad, Missouri.

Client withdrawals will then be processed centrally and clients sent to Hell, Michigan in order to complete the ordeal, er, I mean procedure.

The back office processing departments of each firm will be located north of the border in Moose Factory, Ontario, and will be responsible for ensuring the stature and upstanding nature of client asset-handling employees in each firm including details such as sartorial elegance.

Customers with any complaints or wishing to make an inquiry as to the whereabouts of their withdrawal, a matter which has been the subject of tremendous discourse recently, will be able to connect directly to the “Fund Location Department” which is set to be centralized in Bunker Donation, Florida.

The CEOs and executive team of each binary options brand will have an official trade association in order to demonstrate their character, which has been set up by the Special High Intensity Trading (with its respective acronym SHIT) team in Bald Knob, Kentucky, a town which was selected due to its commonality with most binary options brand owners.

Accompanying the Special High Intensity Trading team will be a division which specializes in diversified product ranges, which will include Long Or Short Exchange Rates (LOSER). This particular trading method will be scrutinized as part of a case study in restoring the good name of the providers, hence companies that fall short of the standard will be subject to the Customer Recourse Arbitration Procedure (CRAP).

Those who do not receive the correct terms and conditions can apply to receive a direct call from each executive, by VOIP technology hosted in Dickshooter, Idaho.

In line with the long overdue overhaul of the methodology by which binary options platforms operate, a complete ground-up refining of every product range will take place, including a mandatory explanation of how each option works.

This legislation will be introduced under the etymology of “Waffle Option”, alluding to the accompanying statements present on each corporate website containing a comprehensive and intentionally obscure description. Each statement must then be signed off and approved by George Washington’s great grandfather.

Use of inappropriate sales tactics has been one of the greatest causes for concern with regard to the duping of millions of unsuspecting retail customers who are cold called via leads that have been obtained in an often improvident fashion, which is something that has been addressed by the new infrastructural guidelines. AT&T’s new dedicated service “All Talk & Tosh” will resolve this by providing a one-way telephone service which allows clients to bamboozle themselves at their own risk rather than have a two way conversation during which a salesman will assist in their bamboozlement.

Quite clearly, this new infrastructure and set of regulatory rulings has been very cleverly thought through, and indeed if it was not so banal, it may be believable. After all, anything is possible nowadays, including reading the FX industry news portals on April 1!*


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